Friday, August 08, 2008

Continuing Professional Development

Muhammad likes to sit on the fence watching birds. The other day I asked him why he does it - he's not going to catch any birds up there.

"Just window shopping." He replied.

"But aren't you just warning the birds that you're here?" I asked.

"Yes, but they're too stupid to remember. Next time I hide under the bushes, they'll forget this is my garden."

"When you go for a bird, what are your actual chances of catching one?" I asked.

"Oh, about the same as the chance of a non-resident parent avoiding paying child support." Responded Muhammad.

"That good? Don't you feel guilty catching birds?"

"Certainly not. Survival of the fittest and all that."

"But you don't eat them!"

"True, but one has to keep one's skills honed."

"Sort of like a cat version of CPD?"

"Er... yes, I suppose so."

"You have to kill 16 birds a year to retain your hunting licence," I joked.

"Yes," said Muhammad, "I've got another ten to catch before the end of October."

"Better get off that fence then." I replied.


  1. My Dear Muhammed,

    My name is Rosie, one who finds herself in the unfortunate position of owning Lawminx. I have experienced constant problems with such ownership, but its too late to give her back to her last owners, they dont want her. I commend you, therefore on your training and management of Mr Bolch, and wondered if you had any tips to pass on in this respect.
    PS: Though I have completed my CPD of killing 16 birds, 7 mice, 3 toads and a wasp, I do feel that there is more I can do to keep myself up to feline speed, as it were.I suppose I could go off and have a shock litter of kittens, but the dearth of suitors in these parts is simply DREADFUL ( I am aware that you have had the snip, for which I sympathise) Any other suggestions:?

  2. My Dear Rosie,

    I sympathise with you. You must be firm with humans, and let them know at all times that we felines are a superior race. Looking down your nose is good, refusing to come to them when called is even better.

    Hmm. not sure if I would go to the lengths of having a litter of kittens (sorry I can't help you there). How about catching a slow worm and taking it into the house - that always goes down well.



  3. My Dear Muhammad,

    Slow worms are rather difficult to find, but I shall invesitgate!. Do you find that going missing for a while also has the desired effect upon your humans i.e worry of gargantuan proportions, insomnia and unspeakable largesse bestowed uoon your goodself when you deign to return home?

  4. Dearest Rosie,

    Yes, going missing is good! I know an old lady who lives on her own, a couple of doors away. I stay there for a couple of days, and she feeds me well. Just remember to scuff up your claws before returning home, to make it look like you were trapped somewhere and couldn't get out. The treats will flow...

    Best wishes,


  5. I personally find that repeated scuffing of the fur against something red, particularly around the neck and face, sends Lawminx off into a tangent of complete and UTTER hysteria. Last time I did this, she was a heartbeat away from calling on the undoubted skills of Medivac and The Blood Transfusion Service......

  6. Ah, I see I have little to teach you.



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