Old John's Almanac 2011

As usual, my predictions for 2010 were entirely accurate, so here are my predictions for 2011:

January - London law firm Pimp & Pimp commission a survey into the reasons for so many people getting divorced in January. The results show that the most common reason is: "Mind your own business."

February - Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly gives a speech promoting family mediation.

March - In a further cost-cutting measure, the Government abolishes legal aid for everything except MPs charged with fraudulently claiming expenses.

April - The royal marriage is delayed after Prince William forgets to sign the pre-nuptial agreement. Elsewhere, Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly gives a speech promoting family mediation.

May - President of the Family Division Sir Nicholas Wall is lynched when, in a speech to fathers' rights group The Real Families Need Fathers 4 Justice, he suggests that sometimes fathers "can be their own worst enemies".

June - Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly gives a speech promoting family mediation, while a new survey shows that more law firms than ever are commissioning surveys to promote their businesses.

July - Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith comes up with his latest idea to stop couples separating: handcuffing them together. Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly gives a speech promoting family mediation.

August - Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly doesn't give a speech promoting family mediation, as he's on holiday.

September - The first popular online petition is debated in Parliament and the House overwhelmingly votes for Jeremy Clarkson to be made PM. Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly gives a speech promoting family mediation.

October - Prime Minister Clarkson decrees that all wives should stay at home and 'make themselves pretty' for their husbands. The divorce rate suddenly soars...

November - A new survey shows that only 1% of the population give a damn about surveys. Meanwhile, Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly gives a speech promoting family mediation.

December - Facebook is recognised in the New Year's honours list for its services to divorce lawyers, and Justice Minister Jonathan Djanogly is recognised for his services to speeches promoting family mediation.

Happy New Year!

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