V&G announce 'pleasingly ample' annual profit

Venal & Grabbit (V&G) made a 'pleasingly ample' annual profit last year, according to the firm’s accountants, up from 'highly satisfactory' the previous year.

The accountants said that while turnover for the period stood at 'mind your own business', the law firm’s operating profit stood at 'pleasingly ample' – indicating a profit margin of 75%.

The accountants said that the highest-paid partner took home 'a tidy little sum', sufficient for 3 foreign holidays, a second home, a new Merc and a mistress in the city.

Total staff costs (including salaries and pensions) were down, despite staff numbers increasing during the year.

A statement from the partners read: "We are extremely pleased that the firm's profits continue to be sufficient for the partners to live the lifestyle to which they have justifiably become accustomed. It is particularly satisfying that the profit margin remains gratifyingly good, due to a combination of keeping our fees reassuringly high and staff salaries sensibly low. We are expecting a further substantial increase in revenue this coming year, on the back of the ever-increasing business that the firm will be taking on, especially with fewer people getting legal aid."


  1. Private response from an unnamed High Court judge...

    May I be the first in line to congratulate your excellent firm on its well-deserved success. Very well done indeed!

    We, the custodians of family law, have striven to maintain the inherent unfairness in the legal system. This was not easy to do - the fathers' lobby groups have become rather difficult to dismiss.

    Fathers continue to remain ill-served: their feelings of injustice leading directly to profitable litigation.

    Furthermore, we have encouraged the Government to introduce new legislation which allows for fathers to be removed from the family home without any need of evidence of DV. An accusation from an angry and bitter ex-partner is now all that is required. Once removed from their home and children, these fathers will hopefully be encouraged to contact a solicitor, and start spending money!

    We also had a hand in the Government's new proposals regarding legal aid. Funding will now be removed unless there are accusations of DV. In other words, we have incentivised the making of allegations by mothers. This will hopefully further increase profitable litigation for the legal profession. Of course, we will be very careful not to punish any mother found to have made false accusations because, if we did, this would discourage other mothers from making false accusations, and litigation would sadly decrease as a result!

    We trust that you appreciate our efforts, and that you will be "expressing your gratitude" in the usual way (please leave the brown paper bag with my secretary).

    Finally, I am pleased to endorse your nomination for a place on the judicial bench...congratulations!

    His Lordship X

  2. Dear unnamed High Court judge,

    Whilst we greatly appreciate your efforts to increase our income, we will not be leaving a paper bag with your secretary - Venal & Grabbit are in the business of taking money from people, not giving it to them.

    We will also not be accepting the nomination for a place on the bench, as we could not possibly survive on the pittance paid to judges these days.

    Yours, etc.

    Venal & Grabbit.


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