Friday, January 28, 2011

Venal & Grabbit Client Care Letter

Our ref: Venal/
Date:

Dear [client]

Re: Divorce

Thank you for your instructions.

Instructions
You have instructed us to divorce your husband/wife and take them for every penny.

Next steps
We will immediately issue divorce proceedings based upon your spouse's outrageous adultery/unreasonable behaviour, without further notice to them. We will then forthwith issue an application for ancillary relief, seeking 100% of the assets of the marriage.

Person dealing with your matter
Your matter will be dealt with by our Mr Venal, who is the senior partner of this firm. We prefer our clients not to contact us - we will contact you if there is anything you need to know. However, in the event of an extreme emergency (i.e. threatening to life or bank balance) then you may call us. Please note, however, that Mr Venal is far too busy to take calls himself, and you will therefore be referred to his secretary, Brunhilde.

Costs
Our fees will be calculated by reference to the number of hours that Mr Venal spends on the instructions. Mr Venal believes that it is beneath him to specify a particular hourly rate - suffice to say that the rate will be commensurate with Mr Venal's extremely high level of expertise and experience, and will be uplifted should we be successful in carrying out your instructions, as we are sure we will.

We estimate that our costs will be in the range of £100,000 (if the matter is extremely straightforward) to £1 million (if the matter is more complex), although they may be more than that.

We shall of course seek to ensure that your husband/wife will be condemned in costs by the court, in which case we will add a recovery fee to our costs, equivalent to the sum paid by your spouse.

Complaints
In the unlikely event that you should have the temerity to make a complaint about our service, then this will be dealt with by our complaints handling partner Mr Grabbit, whose decision will be final.

Money laundering
Whilst our Swiss bankers ask no questions regarding the source of our deposits with them, we are unfortunately required to abide by certain tiresome government regulations laughably aimed at preventing money laundering. We realise that any serious money launderer would have already forged such documents, but nevertheless would you please let us have two forms of identification, one including a photograph, such as your passport.

We would be obliged if you would sign the enclosed copy of this letter and return it to us together with a cheque on account of our initial costs, in the sum of £10,000.

Yours faithfully,

Venal & Grabbit

10 comments:

  1. Sirs,

    May we at Tightwad and Curmudgeonly once again congratulate you with regard to your exceptional client care, your willingness to put shoulder to the wheel in pursuit of monetary justice.

    Have you ever had cause to instruct Tefal Chambers in any matter noted in your letter?
    We ourselves find them a like minded and completely (un)conscientious set absolutely dedicated to those pursuit of those goals, in the name of client care, that ultimately leave us ALL that much better off.

    Sincerely,

    Messrs Tightwad and Grabbit, Solicitors, and Commissioners for ( non swearing) Oaths.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Tightwad and Curmudgeonly (we are flattered by the inclusion of the name 'Grabbit' in your signature, but trust that it was included in error),

    Thank you once again for your message of support - we who uphold the highest standards of our profession must stand together in these difficult times.

    We have not, as yet, had cause to instruct Tefal Chambers, but will certainly bear them in mind in future (we trust that they are not one of those awful sets that expect prompt payment of their fees).

    Yours, etc.

    Venal & Grabbit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sirs,

    May I, as Senior Managing Partner, offer my most Sincere and HUMBLE apologies as to the inclusion of the word ' Grabbit' by way of conclusion to my firms most recent note.

    My usual secretary is currently on maternity leave ,and I have been forced to rely upon the frankly very lax services of a work experience candidate from the local sink estate.

    Needless to say, I will have her returned to the pool immediately, ensuring that she may be certain in the knowledge she will not be hired by this firm as a result of such an appalling error.

    Once again please accept my most SINCERE and HUMBLE apology, not only on behalf of MYSELF, butalso on behalf of my firm, in the hopes that we may continue to enjoy cordial professional relations,

    Very Kind Regards,

    Aldous Tightwad.

    NB: With regard to the instruction of Tefal Members, it is perhaps worth noting that word has it their collective aged debt runs back to the turn of the nineteenth century. I would therefore suggest that they are worth consideration since you are not likely to be called upon for the payment of fees in your lifetime.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Aldous,

    Your apology is of course accepted. We trust that you will be imposing a suitable fine upon the said work experience candidate - these people must understand their place in society.

    Your postscript regarding Tefal Chambers is noted, with particular interest and gratitude.

    Yours etc.

    Venal & Grabbit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sirs,

    You may rest assured that not only will the work experience candidate recieve a substantial fine with regard to her unacceptable and egregious error, but that we will also lodge vigourous complaint with the work placement agency and ensure that she remains - where she undoubtedly belongs- on the margins of society, with the rest of the deeply undeserving.

    You may rest assured that her tears, apologies and argument that the placement is important to her if she is to support her family without the benefit of social security in times she believes to be disadvantageous to herself cuts absolutely no mustard with the senior partners whatsoever.

    Kind Regards,

    Aldous.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Aldous,

    Glad to hear it. We are clearly not only right-minded but also like-minded.

    Yours etc.

    V & G

    ReplyDelete
  7. who are you guys billing for all these letters?
    just arstin.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear simply wondered,

    Their bill is already on its way to Messrs. Tightwad and Curmudgeonly. Where would you like us to send yours?

    Yours etc.

    V & G

    ReplyDelete
  9. stick mine on their tab too, cheers. saves a stamp, dunnit?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dear simply wondered,

    We hope that you are not suggesting that we do something immoral, not to say illegal? Perish the thought.

    Yours, etc.

    V & G

    (P.S. Good idea.)

    ReplyDelete

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