Venal & Grabbit Client Care Letter
Thank you for your instructions.
You have instructed us to divorce your husband/wife and take them for every penny.
We will immediately issue divorce proceedings based upon your spouse's outrageous adultery/unreasonable behaviour, without further notice to them. We will then forthwith issue an application for ancillary relief, seeking 100% of the assets of the marriage.
Person dealing with your matter
Your matter will be dealt with by our Mr Venal, who is the senior partner of this firm. We prefer our clients not to contact us - we will contact you if there is anything you need to know. However, in the event of an extreme emergency (i.e. threatening to life or bank balance) then you may call us. Please note, however, that Mr Venal is far too busy to take calls himself, and you will therefore be referred to his secretary, Brunhilde.
Our fees will be calculated by reference to the number of hours that Mr Venal spends on the instructions. Mr Venal believes that it is beneath him to specify a particular hourly rate - suffice to say that the rate will be commensurate with Mr Venal's extremely high level of expertise and experience, and will be uplifted should we be successful in carrying out your instructions, as we are sure we will.
We estimate that our costs will be in the range of £100,000 (if the matter is extremely straightforward) to £1 million (if the matter is more complex), although they may be more than that.
We shall of course seek to ensure that your husband/wife will be condemned in costs by the court, in which case we will add a recovery fee to our costs, equivalent to the sum paid by your spouse.
In the unlikely event that you should have the temerity to make a complaint about our service, then this will be dealt with by our complaints handling partner Mr Grabbit, whose decision will be final.
Whilst our Swiss bankers ask no questions regarding the source of our deposits with them, we are unfortunately required to abide by certain tiresome government regulations laughably aimed at preventing money laundering. We realise that any serious money launderer would have already forged such documents, but nevertheless would you please let us have two forms of identification, one including a photograph, such as your passport.
We would be obliged if you would sign the enclosed copy of this letter and return it to us together with a cheque on account of our initial costs, in the sum of £10,000.
Venal & Grabbit