Family Lore has been granted an exclusive interview with Edgar Venal, Senior Partner at Messrs. Venal & Grabbit, solicitors, which we are proud to reproduce here:
Family Lore: It is a great honour to have this exclusive interview with you today.
Edgar Venal: I know.
FL: Ahem, yes. Now, I'd like to begin by asking you what led you to become a family lawyer?
EV: Well, once I qualified I did a complete hours/profits analysis of every area of law, and concluded that the best income was to be found doing family law. Provided, of course, that one restricts oneself to high net worth clients.
FL: I see. So you've never done legal aid work?
EV: Hahahahahahahaha... you're not serious, are you?
FL: Er... I suppose not. Moving on, what is the approach that you take to family law?
EV: Well, certainly not the namby-pamby "constructive and non-confrontational" approach that so many bleeding-hearts family lawyers espouse these days. No, I am a firm believer in the "take them for every penny and don't stop squeezing until the pips squeak" approach.
FL: So you don't believe in mediation or the collaborative approach?
EV: Certainly not. Clients pay lawyers to fight for them, and that's exactly what we at Venal & Grabbit do.
FL: But surely these days judges oppose such a confrontational approach?
EV: We have ways and means of dealing with judges.
FL: What do you mean?
EV: Let us just say that most judges have a skeleton in their closet, if you dig deep enough.
FL: Blackmail, you mean?
EV: Certainly not. We prefer to call it "jogging the memory".
FL: And what if they don't have a skeleton in the closet?
EV: Well, then there's always bribery. Have you ever heard of a lawyer who can't be bought?
FL: Now you come to mention it, no. Moving on, what are your views on client care?
EV: Meddling, that's what it is. Meddling and nonsense. The client needs to know their place, that's what I say. Let them know who's boss. The last thing you should do is give them any ideas about making a complaint against you.
FL: Quite. But shouldn't you at least give them some idea of how much your fees should be?
FL: OK, silly question. To finish this interview, I understand that you have recently been giving lectures to other solicitors?
EV: Yes, for a suitable fee. After the success of Avoiding paying counsel's fees, I have most recently been giving seminars on How to get that last penny out of your client. They've been going down a storm.
FL: Excellent. Well, thank you for your time.
EV: I'm sure it was a pleasure. I shall send you my account as soon as my secretary, Brunhilde, prepares it.