Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Exclusive: Family Lore interview with Edgar Venal, Senior Partner of Venal & Grabbit

Family Lore has been granted an exclusive interview with Edgar Venal, Senior Partner at Messrs. Venal & Grabbit, solicitors, which we are proud to reproduce here:

Family Lore: It is a great honour to have this exclusive interview with you today.

Edgar Venal: I know.

FL: Ahem, yes. Now, I'd like to begin by asking you what led you to become a family lawyer?

EV: Well, once I qualified I did a complete hours/profits analysis of every area of law, and concluded that the best income was to be found doing family law. Provided, of course, that one restricts oneself to high net worth clients.

FL: I see. So you've never done legal aid work?

EV: Hahahahahahahaha... you're not serious, are you?

FL: Er... I suppose not. Moving on, what is the approach that you take to family law?

EV: Well, certainly not the namby-pamby "constructive and non-confrontational" approach that so many bleeding-hearts family lawyers espouse these days. No, I am a firm believer in the "take them for every penny and don't stop squeezing until the pips squeak" approach.

FL: So you don't believe in mediation or the collaborative approach?

EV: Certainly not. Clients pay lawyers to fight for them, and that's exactly what we at Venal & Grabbit do.

FL: But surely these days judges oppose such a confrontational approach?

EV: We have ways and means of dealing with judges.

FL: What do you mean?

EV: Let us just say that most judges have a skeleton in their closet, if you dig deep enough.

FL: Blackmail, you mean?

EV: Certainly not. We prefer to call it "jogging the memory".

FL: And what if they don't have a skeleton in the closet?

EV: Well, then there's always bribery. Have you ever heard of a lawyer who can't be bought?

FL: Now you come to mention it, no. Moving on, what are your views on client care?

EV: Meddling, that's what it is. Meddling and nonsense. The client needs to know their place, that's what I say. Let them know who's boss. The last thing you should do is give them any ideas about making a complaint against you.

FL: Quite. But shouldn't you at least give them some idea of how much your fees should be?

EV: [Chokes]

FL: OK, silly question. To finish this interview, I understand that you have recently been giving lectures to other solicitors?

EV: Yes, for a suitable fee. After the success of Avoiding paying counsel's fees, I have most recently been giving seminars on How to get that last penny out of your client. They've been going down a storm.

FL: Excellent. Well, thank you for your time.

EV: I'm sure it was a pleasure. I shall send you my account as soon as my secretary, Brunhilde, prepares it.

2 comments:

  1. Dear Edgar,

    Your willingness to be hauled across the virtual coals by the sort of family lawyer who-in adopting such concepts as collaboration mediation and general FAIRNESS when it comes to dealing with the traumatic separation of concerned parties from their assets- frankly sits on the very FRINGES of our Great BIG ( profitable) Society is, may I say, worthy of both awe and respect.

    We here at Tightwad and Curmudgeonly once again commend you. You are a credit to our fine profession.

    Sincerely Yours,

    Aldous Tightwad ( senior managing partner, Tightwad and Curmudgeonly LLP Solicitors and Commissioners for ( Non Swearing) Oaths)

    ps: Did you actually allow FL to access your offices through the front door?!

    No Matter.

    That you even deign to grace such an individual with your presence should have been recieved with the sort of gratitude on his part that borders on the toe curling.

    I do hope you Jollied him prior to the actual interview using our own FINE caterers, Recycled Hospital Meals, Inc.
    Its the very LEAST you could do for the poor soul.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, my dear Aldous. It was extremely tedious, but unfortunately in these uncertain times even we most esteemed professionals must on occasion make ourselves available to the fourth estate.

    You can be reassured that FL accessed our offices via the tradesman's entrance, as is befitting a person of his standing. As to his gratitude, we do not wish to nauseate you with the details. Suffice to say that we can confirm that he plumbed new depths of sycophancy.

    Yours most sincerely,

    Edgar Venal.

    ReplyDelete

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