Beyond reproach

Quentin Pompous-Arse QC,
1 Crooked Orifice Row,
4th October 2011

My Dear Quentin,

Re: Complaint against you by that horrid litigant in person

I understand that that awful litigant in person in the case in which I recently instructed you has made a complaint about your conduct to the Bar Standards Board. I would like you to know that I found your conduct in the case to be exemplary, and that I will fully support you in your efforts to have this appalling slur upon your professional integrity rejected (I understand that the BSB has quite rightly rejected 100% of all LiP complaints that it has dealt with so far this year, so this shouldn't be too difficult).

To deal with the specific points of complaint:

1. I cannot see anything whatsoever wrong with calling a litigant in person an "ignorant little twerp." Litigants in person are, by definition, ignorant of the legal process, and they must be reminded of their proper position in the eyes of the law.

2. Telling the LiP that he should address the judge by the term "Your Majesty" was, I am sure, a simple slip of the tongue on your part, and not designed to make the LiP look stupid in court, as he claims.

3. Lastly, informing the LiP that if he did not accept all of our client's terms in full then you would ensure that he was condemned in costs is, of course, perfectly acceptable conduct, and something that I do regularly whenever I have to soil my hands corresponding with a litigant in person.

In short, the complaints are all without foundation, and I found your conduct of the case to be entirely beyond reproach.

Yours etc.,

Edgar Venal