Thursday, February 23, 2012

Venal & Grabbit Memo To Staff - TOP SECRET


Impressed by some of the excellent ideas contained in a blog post by Matt O'Connor of fathers' rights group Fathers 4 Justice (copied verbatim on Pink Tape), the Partners have decided to revise their Guidance to staff on how to make as much profit as possible, as follows:

ADDENDUM:

1. Any display of human empathy, understanding or insight towards a client will be considered a sign of weakness, resulting in a severe reprimand. All staff are expected to have cold blood running through their veins!

2. All of humanity's failings should be viewed as an opportunity to convert conflict into profit.

3. On no account should any member of staff accept any responsibility for the mess in which a client should find themselves at the end of a case.

4. All fee earners should ensure that all clients are fully stripped of their assets by the time a case is finalised (of course, if this should occur before a case is finalised, then the firm should cease to act forthwith). To use O'Connor's words: Wring out every penny!

5. In children matters, high fees should always be justified by reference to "the child's best interests".

6. Henceforth, the firm will have a new motto: "Bigotry, ignorance and prejudice!"

Thank you.

The Partners

6 comments:

  1. typical. yet another organisation trumpets a radical new policy when it is merely business as usual. very new labour - mr venal is slipping. could it be time for a new hand on the tiller? in the interests of the clients naturally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trumpets? This is top secret!

      Mr Venal always has the interests of the clients foremost in his mind. He thanks you for your concern at the welfare of his firm, but asks that you kindly mind your own business. Oh - and learn how to use capitals.

      Delete
  2. it isn't me that mr venal needs to worry about - as you point out, i am thoroughly under-capitalised [i thank yow!]; mayhap there are threats lurking within vng. however carefully one selects with the focus on integrity, ability and independence of mind and weeds them out, you never know what may creep through - or under the net. perhaps the 'chancery lane spring' is about to bloom forth.

    uneasy lies the head that wears the throne. (with apologies to sellar and yeatman)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr Venal has nothing to worry about. Don't ask me how, but I just KNOW that I won't be writing about a 'Chancery Lane spring' at Venal & Grabbit...

      Delete
  3. i'm sure you're correct. as indeed were messrs qaddafi, mubarak, asad, capello errr and all them other ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but they weren't absolute dictators, like wot I am. (Into my Dictaphone, of course.)

      Delete

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