Old John's Almanac 2017

Without further ado, here are my predictions for 2017:

January - As Donald Trump takes office, Sir James Munby moves his chambers to an underground nuclear bunker. The President (of the Family Division, that is) says the only thing it lacks is a view.

February - Fathers' rights group the Real Families Need Fathers4Justice stage a protest outside the home of Justice Minister Liz Truss. The entire legal profession joins in.

March - The Chancellor of the Exchequer has to amend his entire Spring Budget, when a couple in Rutland become the first to take advantage of the Government's married tax break.

April - The Ministry of Justice decides to raise revenue by charging admission fees to the family courts. All hearings will also have an intermission, when small tubs of ice cream will be sold.

May - The Child Maintenance Service determines that an 'effective' child maintenance arrangement is one in which the non-resident parent pays more than one farthing.

June - The Daily Mail blames an unexpected rise in the divorce rate on "out of touch, unelected judges".

July - The Ministry of Justice responds to the rising divorce rate by increasing the fee on a divorce petition to £5500.

August - Not to be out-done, the Child Maintenance Service trebles all fees for using the service.

September - The Ministry of Justice decides to save costs by closing all family courts save for the Barrow-in-Furness Family Court, which will henceforth be known as the 'Not-So-Central Family Court'.

October - Footballer's wife Chantelle Looney becomes the last ever litigant in the family courts to be represented by a lawyer.

November - At the annual Family Law Awards Eric Snogbottom wins the prestigious award for the family lawyer with the silliest name.

December - The Child Maintenance Service announces a 100% success rate, as it recovers all the maintenance for the last family who can afford to use the service.

Happy New Year!