In the best possible taste: Advert uses Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce

Edgar Venal would be proud of this advert for P & O Cruises:

[Credit: BuzzFeed.]

Sad Tale

For reasons that escape me, I've once again been negligent in reporting the marital shenanigans of our celebrity role models. How remiss of me. I shall make up for it now by imparting the shock news: Kim Kardashian is divorcing her husband Kris Humphries after being married for just 72 days.

Yes, I know this was totally unexpected, particularly after the sum of $10 million was apparently spent on the wedding. "What a waste of money" many are shouting. True, but I'm sure the fact that the couple reportedly made $18 million from magazine deals, TV coverage and endorsements may have softened the blow somewhat.

Of course, there are some doubters who are asking whether the whole thing was a stunt. Perish the thought.

I shall leave this sad tale with this Twitter reaction, found on BuzzFeed:

Devastating news

Devastated at the news today that the Olympic torch will not be coming through my home town, I thought I would console myself by watching an old film:

Above and beyond...

The latest gem from the mouth of the ever-entertaining Katie Price is that she'll marry 40 times if she has to, in order to find "the right one". I really think we divorce lawyers should get together and give this woman a medal...

Celebrity Watch: Useful and lucrative

I have once again been somewhat negligent in my reporting of celebrity marital (or extra-marital) goings-on recently (I can't imagine why), but I have found a couple of items (just) worthy of a mention.

When I began Celebrity Watch I speculated whether there was anything useful to be gained from observing such goings-on. Well, perhaps there is. The mere sight of a headline such as Mel Gibson gets probation for domestic violence in The Guardian today (and presumably similar headlines elsewhere in the media) will hopefully send out a message as to the seriousness of domestic violence, and that no one is above sanction for perpetrating it.

Meanwhile, on a slightly lighter note, the news that none of us were expecting: Katie Price has taken the first steps to divorcing husband Alex Reid, by lodging a petition with a court. This is not, of course, bad news for all; in fact, it is very good news for those punters who are looking forward to collecting their winnings. So, watching celebrities can be lucrative too...

* * * * *

UPDATE (if you can take any more of this): The News of the World today (Sunday) carries a headline regarding Ms Price's relationship with her 'new Latin toyboy' Leandro which reads: "Leandro hardly speaks English.. so I'm not with him for his mind!" I wonder if he is with her for her mind?

Court system breathes sigh of relief as Marco Pierre White reconciles

I wouldn't normally report a reconciliation but, in view of the trail of litigation that they left (see, for example, here), I think the reconciliation of TV chef Marco Pierre White and his wife Mati is a newsworthy event. The Daily Mail says that the rapprochement may not just be down to rekindled love: "The prospect of losing half his estimated £50million business empire in a divorce settlement may also have persuaded the Michelin-starred chef that it was more sensible to woo back his third wife, Mati", but I wouldn't dare suggest such a thing.

Sad news

I can hardly bring myself to say this but: Katie .. Price ... has .... announced ..... her ...... separation ....... from ........ husband ......... Alex ..........

Sorry, I can't go on.

Montag and Pratt: Divorce can't buy me money

OK, let me get this right. Reality TV 'stars' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt faked their 'divorce' in order to win a new TV show, and 'reconciled' when the TV deal fell through. Pratt (the more I hear about him, the more appropriate that name seems) told Life & Style magazine: "The divorce was real - just the idea behind it was different than most people's".

Excuse me while I go and bang my head against a brick wall...

You win one, you lose one

I have been somewhat negligent in my reporting of celebrity marital shenanigans recently, so thanks to Jailhouselawyer for pointing out to me that actor Charlie Sheen has filed for divorce from his third wife Brooke Mueller. In the light of Sheen's recent (alleged) behaviour (only a week ago he allegedly trashed a hotel room "in a drink and drug-fuelled tryst with a porn actress"), perhaps the only surprise here is that he is doing the divorcing, rather than his wife.

The news is not so good, however, for the lawyers of (former) Guns N' Roses star Slash and his wife, Perla Ferrar. Apparently, the guitarist has decided to bury the axe (geddit?), and called off his divorce. Perhaps he had no Appetite for Destruction...

The big news...

As I'm sure all readers are aware, the next episode of the Katie Price/Peter Andre soap opera is due to begin in court this week. However, that den of celebrity gossip Dentistry.co.uk has the really big story. Eager to get in on the action, they report that the grotesque delightful Ms Price has visited her dentist prior to the court showdown.

Who says that Family Lore doesn't bring you the big news?

Hard times

Following on from the story that Mr and Mrs Pratt may not be getting divorced after all, there is more bad news for divorce lawyers. Just as they were about to commence a very lucrative sad divorce, former supermodel Stephanie Seymour and billionaire Peter Brant announced their reconciliation. I guess it's time to cancel the order for that luxury yacht...

Montag and Pratt: A cruel hoax?

Sometimes I wish I hadn't started this Celebrity Watch thing. However, having mentioned them before I suppose it is my duty to inform you the reader of the latest news regarding that talented couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. It seems - and it pains me to say this - that they may not be getting divorced after all. In fact, the whole thing may have been a hoax. What a cruel trick to play upon a divorce lawyer...

Rooney: The odds

Gambling on the longevity of celebrity marriages seems to be becoming another 'great British tradition', so I thought I had better report the latest odds in respect of the nuptials of that unfortunate ball-kicker, Mr Wayne Rooney.

William Hill are offering odds of 6/4 that he'll be receiving divorce papers before Christmas. Seems pretty likely. However, if you're looking for better odds, Hills also quote 33/1 that Rooney will score a goal when England play Switzerland tomorrow, and unveil a t-shirt bearing a 'Sorry' message to wife Coleen. They don't quote any odds for whether Collen will accept the apology...

CAC v AC - D/N today

Like all good news sources (see, for example, here and here), I am bound to report that the decree nisi in the case of The Nation's Sweetheart v Cashley Cole is due to be pronounced in the Principal Registry this morning. Contrary to what is stated in The Telegraph, this will not, of course, bring their acrimonious marriage to an end - we shall all have to wait for the decree absolute to do that.

I note that the decree is to be pronounced by District Judge Christopher Simmonds, who until recently was a solicitor practising in my local courts. I bet he can hardly contain his excitement...

Shared custody, Montag and Pratt style

A couple of weeks back I faithfully reported that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were sharing their puppies. The Daily Mail has revealed a little more detail about the arrangement. Apparently, they have four dogs, two of which stay with each 'parent' at any given time. Accordingly, at the end of each 'visit' a somewhat curious handover occurs, when one set of two dogs is exchanged for the other. Quite what effect this will have on the pooches I have no idea, but I suppose it is one way to resolve the issue.

There, I knew we could learn something from watching celebrities...

Mel B marriage breakdown shock?

It seems that in less scrupulous areas of the media than Family Lore there is increasingly frenzied speculation as to whether the marriage of someone called 'Mel B'is over (apparently, 'Mel B' was a member of a well-known all-ladies singing combo a few years back). Of course, Family Lore would not descend to reporting such tasteless tittle-tattle...

Tiger Woods divorce: All the 'news'

The big family law news of the moment is, of course, the finalisation of the Tiger Woods divorce. Now, I would expect this important event to take up plenty of column inches in the tabloid press, but what has surprised me is the amount of broadsheet coverage, specifically in the Telegraph. I have not scoured that esteemed publication for every mention of Tiger+Woods, but these 'stories' all cropped up in my feed reader this morning:

1. 9:34PM BST 23 Aug 2010: For those with short memories, we are given a useful timeline of the marriage breakdown.

2. 11:00PM BST 23 Aug 2010: We are told that "speculation is rife as to the exact details of the settlement". Such is the lack of information, that the Telegraph turns to that old stalwart Vanessa Lloyd Platt for her views.

3. 12:52AM BST 24 Aug 2010: We are treated to a list of the world's top ten highest divorce settlements, which is dragged out every time a large settlement is on the cards.

4. 2:00AM BST 24 Aug 2010: The Telegraph is struggling for real news now, so gives us a story about the other women involved, or at least some of them.

5. 6:00AM BST 24 Aug 2010: Finally, we are taken inside the courtroom where we are informed that: "Miss Nordegren was said to have had eight lawyers present, according to celebrity website TMZ", and that: "they did not look at each other, a source told celebrity website Radar Online".

Thank heavens that we still have the broadsheets to give us the real news...

Negotiation, Mel Gibson style

Mel Gibson's public relations disaster continues with the news that he apparently thinks that his ex deserves only 1 percent of his monthly living expenses for child support. He is reportedly trying to limit the monthly child support payments to $6,000, whilst at the same time claiming that he needs $600,000 a month for "absolute necessities".

Now, I don't know the details of this case, but I assume that $6,000 a month is effectively a 'first offer' rather than a serious proposal, although if it is I somewhat doubt whether it will form the basis for successful settlement negotiations.

Montag and Pratt: Reality bites, at least for Heidi

I didn't actually know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were, but realised that they must be celebrities, as their names kept appearing on my news feed. Accordingly, as your intrepid Celebrity Watch reporter, it was my duty to investigate...

Apparently, Heidi and Spencer met on some MTV reality show, and were subsequently married. Seeing as I've made it my life's work to avoid reality TV shows, it's no wonder then that I didn't know who they were.

As is the way with reality TV marriages, the union failed to last. In fact, this report on MTV suggests surprise that it even lasted as long as it did: "In June, Heidi Montag filed for legal separation from her husband of over a year, Spencer Pratt". Heidi has now filed for divorce, and she clearly understands the realities of what is involved. She says: "there are assets to divide, work to be discussed, and we share our puppies". Good to know.

As for Spencer, I'm not so sure of his grasp of reality. Another report on MTV tells us that he 'has been busy tweeting about his love for mankind and the ways of the universe', with such gems as: "Remember, your thoughts are sent out on a magnetic frequency into the Universe," and: "Think only good things for yourself and the world and we can change all the negative energy into white positive energy for the earth". Hmm...

Viagra keeps divorce lawyers out of business

I knew I would learn something interesting doing this Celebrity Watch feature. According to The People (there is now nowhere I won't go to bring you the best celebrity news), viagra has helped actress Denise Welch save her marriage to actor Tim Healy. Under the innuendo-rich headline: Viagra keeps our marriage solid, we are given all the sordid details, or at least as many as any sensible person can cope with, assuming they can keep going to the end of the story.